Stuck

March 22, 2012

I’m just stuck in this endless loop of lies, sloth, grime, disorder and a lack of anything I would consider properly useful from a very picky point of view.

I don’t expect you to understand. I don’t expect anyone to.

I’m over it and I’ve moved on. That was a fluke.

But really.

You know when you’re stuck in that place when you’re about to say something really important, but you’re afraid to go for it because you don’t know if your words would carry the same weight to the person you’re going to say it to?

What if it’s not worth it?

Give and Take

March 21, 2012

Dear friend,

Hi! First of all, I’d like to thank you for talking to me. I mean, I know we’re friends and I don’t consider it a favor that you talk to me, but it’s just been a while since you last did, and it was… just really nice hearing from you again. Thanks for telling me about how your life has been lately. Thanks for filling me in on what’s going on inside of you. I really do appreciate it. Thanks for still trusting me enough to share your feelings with me, even though we haven’t hung out for quite some time. I still care about you, and I’m just glad that you let me know what’s happening with your life, even though it was all poured out in a hurried walk down Taft Avenue.

Well, now I know that you’re not fine, at least in that one aspect of life which has been the topic of so many of our conversations. They say all is fair in love and war, but we all know that isn’t true. I’m sorry that your partner isn’t holding up her side of the bargain when it comes to the relationship. I could do nothing but agree with you on every single thing you pointed out in our conversation… or rather, your rant.

“When you find the right person, making sacrifices for that person should be easy. It’s easy for me, but I don’t know if she can do the same,” you said. “I want to know if she’s ready to meet me half way. I don’t want us to be a couple that just stays together because we have nothing else to do. No, I want us to grow as a couple, but the problem is that she never seems to listen.”

“If only we had some semblance of an honest and open way of communicating with each other, but the thing is we don’t have any.”

It seems to me that she isn’t ready for a relationship yet. True, she has to compromise. It can’t always be you who’s giving and giving and giving. I’m sure she gives, too, but maybe in a way that isn’t so obvious to you. She says she’s having a hard time as well, but maybe her level of difficulty in this relationship is different from yours. I agree that you have to meet in the middle, and I know that you’re more than willing to make this thing work, but what I’m really hoping for is that she’d have an open mind to discuss everything that needs to be discussed – boundaries, responsibilities and compromise – so that she doesn’t… or so that you guys don’t end up fighting over ever little thing.

I understand that you both have been in a relationship before, but you were in a longer relationship compared to her, so you’re already used to the fact that it takes two to tango and you already  know the ropes. However, she’s not as experienced as you are, and maybe her outlook on this predicament isn’t as mature as yours. I’m sure she wants to make it work, too, because I  do believe she loves you, but it really all boils down to her and her decision to change herself. You need her to make that conscious decision and you need her to work on it. It’s not something you can force down her throat either. It has to come from her.

Now, I know you’re in doubt at whether this thing between you two would last, because I understand, you’re getting exhausted. Anyone in the same situation as you would feel the same, and maybe you feel like giving up, but please…

–insert: Wow, this whole thing feels so familiar. How many times have I said this before? I only remember saying these same words to my so-called best friend when he was together with my ex-best friend. Anyway, I think I’ve said it to countless more friends. Maybe it’s my role in this world to say these things, even if the problem repeats itself time and time again, just to different couples, all instances mutually exclusive to the other.–

… breathe. Remember what it was like before you hit this rut. Remember why you wanted to be with her in the first place. Remember that the beauty of relationships is that you and your partner are two different people, and you try to make it work despite your differences. Keep trying, because sacrificing for the right person should come easy… right?

I’m not saying that you should keep trying forever though. I don’t want to put you in an endless cycle of pain by forcing the issue even if it really won’t work. For now though, just give it a bit of time. Fine, give yourself a deadline? Give her a deadline? Maybe in two months, if things still haven’t changed and she just refuses to budge for you for whatever reason, then maybe the timing wasn’t right, and you guys just weren’t meant to be, at least for now.

You two will figure this out, and maybe in the process you’ll discover if being in a committed relationship is really the right step to take at this point in your lives. Maybe you two need to reassess your priorities and take a step back, just to look at the bigger picture and to see what matters most for both of you. Look at it rationally, please?

I love you both because you’re both my friends, and all I really want is for you two to be happy. If you need to vent, always remember I’m just here and I’ll always listen and offer you help or advice or whatever it is you need. I just want you to be happy. Always, always, always remember that, okay?

Yours truly,

Ellie

 

So I just arrived home from shopping for some products with my Product Development group mates. We were hoping to turn parts of these products into our planned prototype. It was a short trip to the local semi-dilapidated  mall, but it was fun.

Yeah, this afternoon was fun.

Better start working though. If only my roomie would answer her phone…. 😐

Also, I had Kimchi’s Beef Stew. I suddenly remembered Sarah and Donna, my blockmates. We’d make special trips to this mall just so that we could eat this specific beef stew and get the chance to talk of course. I think we haven’t done that for over a year now. I kind of miss them. No. I do miss them.

But when I sat there at the table, I said nothing. Why is that? I just kept it all in my head. I guess saying it out loud won’t bring Sarah and Donna to me right then and there but…. still.

They say…

March 15, 2012

They say there’s a first time for everything. There’s the first time you learned how to swim – that fleeting moment when you realized that you cannot, in fact, breathe underwater, but that trying to do so would earn you enormous gulps of chloroformed liquid. There’s the first time you learned how to skip rope – that great feeling when you  finally got the rhythm your playmates were making, only to lose it a couple of seconds later when your legs got tangled in knots, but you didn’t exactly mind. There’s the first time you got drunk – that one party where everybody went crazy, and you were dizzy, but you were just too fcking happy to care.

However, if you were to be completely honest with yourself, there is nothing like visiting a new place for the first time… and getting lost. You swore you planned this trip for fun, but everything was going in the opposite direction; apparently your language skills were, too. Your own dialect simply cannot compete with the dialect of the locals.

You approached a kind looking old man with a straw hat. He was dressed in a dirty camisa de chino with worn out jeans splattered with mud. He was most likely a farmer or a forester, since you were stuck on one of the nature hike trails of the nth Chocolate Hill. Mosquitoes buzzed in  your ear and you heard the squawk of some tropical bird. You better hurry. It was 4:30 PM and nighttime was drawing near.

“Excuse me po…” You started out uncertain. The old man looked at you and you thought you just saw his right eye twitch. Maybe it was a mistake trying to talk to him in English. He frowned at you and turned around to give a loud call. Suddenly, his carabao popped out from behind the trees and followed the farmer as he walked further down the path that led to……… that’s just the thing. You didn’t know.

You put a hand on your hip and the other you stuffed in your pocket, trying to fish out your Blackberry. Once you finally got it, you brought it close to your face. You stomped your foot hard on the trail, crunching some unfortunate dry leaves in the process. Grunting, you sat down on a nearby boulder, curses thrown to the wind while you were doing so. No cell service. Seriously? After all the competition, or rather, in-your-face shoving of who the best network is, Globe still hasn’t bothered to put a cell tower in this region of Bohol? Seriously?

You put your phone down, looked at the trail, and clicked your tongue. Why did you end up lost anyway? The last thing you remember, you were jogging up the trail excitedly while singing to some LMFAO song and then… well, the trail started to grow rougher and the forestry thicker. You know you missed a sign somewhere that should have said “STOP WAIT STOP YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY NOW, STOP!”, but it really was no use wondering about it now, because as you said, you missed it.

“How am I supposed to get home now? I’m hungry.” You murmured to yourself, stomping your little feet, which were in Keds, on the trail once more. Bohol was such a wonderland until now. You then took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. You could find a way out of this. You were smart; you’ll find a way out…. but before looking for an actual solution, you promised yourself ten minutes of Tiny Tower first to clear your head. You whipped out your iTouch and tried to calm yourself down.

Oh, why, there you go! Another first – the first time you played with your iTouch in the middle of nowhere. Perfect. Another thing off your bucket list… but not really.

However, if there was one lesson you kept learning but always ended up forgetting, it was that the day wasn’t over until it actually was. So, as you were passionately restocking different floors on your Tiny Tower and helping helpless Bitizens find their peers, you didn’t hear the bicycle heading your way. Once the sound grew louder, you looked up, still skeptical if it really was wheels and gears you were hearing. Then, a flash appeared around the corner, and it stopped right in front of you. The skid from abruptly stopping the bike pushed some dirt on your legs and you tried to stop yourself from screaming out loud. Eyebrows furrowed, you faced the man on the bike and he took his helmet and sunglasses off to take a better look at you.

“Excuse me…” He then interrupted you. It was a good thing, too. You didn’t know what you were going to say next either – should you reprimand him for making you dirty or ask for directions?

“What are you doing here? It’s almost twilight and the park’s closing. You should head back down to the exit.”

“Uh.. yeah… where’s the exit? I’m kind of lost,” You say with a sheepish smile.

The man chuckled and replied, “Yeah, I kind of got that. We normally don’t have tourists sitting on boulders playing with their iTouch, but then maybe you just wanted to be one with nature or something.”

You tried to look at upset at his joke but a smile still lingered on your lips. “Yeah…. So… Uhm, I’m Gia.” But your thoughts were just like, HELP ME. Please?

“Ken,” He said withe a nod. “C’mon, I’ll walk you to the exit. We’ll have to go back up the trail and there’s a shortcut through the stairway from there.”

Cool. You finally found a way out of the wilderness with a guy who wasn’t exactly Bear Grylls, but at least he was way more charming.

They say there’s a first time for everything, and you just couldn’t deny that it’s one of life’s simple joys. The first time you meet a new friend. Yeah, this one’s for keeps. Maybe Bohol isn’t so bad after all.

*Sorry for inconsistent verb tenses. It’s a weakness of mine. I tried to make everything past tense here. Anyway, I’m working on it.

*Dedicated to my dear friend, Gia Basa.

Nothing really…

March 12, 2012

I started the night out being quite productive. I have my philosophy abstract to do, but I can’t bring myself to read stuff about it and think about a suitable argument for The Decay of Lying by Oscar Wilde. Hmmm……. right now my face just looks like this:

:/

Half-finished my article with Arielle for TLS.

Caught up with charlieissocoollike on Youtube. Yay. He gave a tour of London in his latest video, basically. He visited 10 landmarks in under two hours, which is great fun. The buildings really remind me of those in New York, and Charlie said it himself. London kind of resembles the U.S. except everything is a bit smaller. He describes the Picadilly Circus as something like… “We tried to do Times Square, but in the middle of making it, we got bored and this is what we came up with.” Makes sense though.

London seems like a great place to visit. The architecture is beautiful and so are the streets. However, the weather is just terrible. People weren’t joking when they said London skies were gray. In Charlie’s video, the London skies were gray and rainy… not to mention windy. But, I suppose that coming from a country with bipolar weather, that kind of weather is manageable. The cold is another story though.

Now, on to museums. I need to visit one for my philosophy class. I’m kind of torn among The Yuchengco Museum in the RCBC Plaza, the National Museum of the Filipino People, and The Ayala Museum. All of them have great collections, and I’m most keen to see the pieces done by Juan Luna and Fernando Amorsolo. All three museums have pieces by those two artists, but only the National Museum and the Yuchengco Museum allow visitors to take pictures. So that narrows down my choices.

Given that I have to go to the museums on Tuesday, I’ll be out at 2.40. The Yuchengco Museum closes at 6 while the National Museum closes at 5. Either is good really. The time is manageable, but I might have trouble going to the National Museum. I don’t really know how to get there except by cab, because I wouldn’t want to risk riding the jeep on my first time going there. As for Yuchengco, I can ride a bus going there, but going home, I might have to take a cab.

Entrance fees: Yuch Php50. National Museum FREE. Winner? Maybe, but the actual getting there is a setback which means Yuch could be the overall winner.

I don’t know. I’ll decide later.

In other news: I’m downloading The Artist, which won a ton of awards at The Oscars this year, including Best Picture. 61.4% completed. My internet is downloading at near impossible speeds (at least for me) 130 kpbs? Damn, son!

So many art opportunities are presenting themselves to me right now. I have no money. I am literally a starving artist. Save meeeeee

Tell me I’m not alone.

March 10, 2012

Do you have friends whom you really love but you’re embarrassed to be seen with in public, not because of any fault of theirs or because they look hideous, but because YOU look hideous next to them and all their gorgeousness?

One thing I learned today from my philosophy class had nothing to do with our lecture on Bertrand Russell and why he was not a Christian. My professor explained the difference between resentment and contempt.

Resentment is directed towards someone higher than you in status while contempt is directed towards someone lower than you. Wikipedia goes on to explain that anger is directed towards people of equal status.

Unlike resentment, indignation, and contempt, and like anger hatred is an emotion that treats the other on an equal-footing, neither degrading him as “subhuman” (as in contempt) nor treating him with the lack of respect due to a moral inferior (as in indignation) nor humbling oneself before (or away from) him with the self-righteous impotence of resentment. – An excerpt from The Passions: Emotions and the Meaning of Life by Robert C. Solomon

Therefore, “I resent you” does not mean the same as “I am angry at you” or “I hate you”, nor does it go on the same level as contemptuousness.

Examples:

YES- I resent those involved in the shady game of corruption in the Philippine government.

NO- I resent you for beating me at Fruit Ninja.

YES – I am filled with contempt because of their sheer inadequacy.

NO – Almost everyone has this feeling of contempt because she’s constantly power tripping.

 

You know those times when something happens, and initially, it’s a good thing, but then later on, you frown and think, that no, it probably wasn’t such a good idea?

Take for example my two high school batchmates I happened to see today in university. They’re kind of popular since they’re one of the more famous fashionistas of the College of Liberal Arts. They have their own online clothing store, and they’re really nice and friendly. The makings of teenage elite, as far as Philippine college society would go.

Anyway, they walked past me a while ago, and as usual, their outfits were gorgeous. It wasn’t the usual get up you’d normally see on a college student. After all, majority of the population wear jeans and a shirt, but those two batch mates of mine? Oh no, they had to wear skirts and flowy blouses and other things that you could only see on the average Forever21 mannequin.

So, in regards to their outfit, it was a total hit, but then….

“I love your clothes!……. if only they weren’t so see-through that I could see your underwear.”

Perhaps in a club-like setting, I wouldn’t have minded, but given that we were in school, their outfits were dancing on the fringes of inappropriate. I honestly liked their outfit. I mean, I wish I had those items in my closet, but to wear those in school? I’ll pass, hun.

What are other hits and misses?

“Yes! I finished studying for exams…….. but now my bed’s all littered with papers I can’t even sleep in it.”

“Aaawww, your story was really touching. Thanks for sharing that with me……… now will you please move your head so I can see that guy behind you?”

“HAHAHAHA Awesome joke, bro!!!……………. so…. what was the professor talking about again?”

“I love Starbucks coffee………….. now I can’t sleep.”

“I can’t believe I’m flying out in six hours! Best vacation abroad ever!!…………. But I haven’t packed.”

“This burger is huge!………. Now how am I supposed to eat it?”

And perhaps my current situation:

“Oh cool, I made another post…………… Uhm, so I have readings I haven’t started on for the philosophy class I have in an hour.”

For my roomie.

  1. How could you go wrong with those biceps? And those abs? Did I already mention those shoulders and pecs?
  2. Pretty convincing acting skills. When he looks like that, you tend to just buy whatever it is he’s saying.
  3. He will be your constant workout buddy, if not trainer.
  4. He will help, no, force you to stay in shape.
  5. He’ll only show his sweet, vulnerable side when he’s with you. Of course, it’s another story when he enters the wrestling arena.
  6. Awesome angry sex.
  7. Are you still keeping up?
  8. Just don’t… strain yourselves too much on number 6. Careful, hun.
  9. You’re basically dating a celeb.
  10. You get all the perks of dating a celeb. You know what I mean.
  11. You won’t be afraid to get rough with him. What’s the worst you can do?
  12. True love. No matter who that person is or what that person does, you’re still with someone who loves you, and I think that’s the best perk.

Dear ______________,

I know things between us haven’t been okay lately, and I know why. I just wanted to say that I’m truly sorry for _________________________. I never meant to hurt you or anyone else. I didn’t mean to do it -or- I admit it was intentional, but it just seemed like the best thing to do/say/____ at that time. I do realize that what I did was still wrong, and I’m just filled with so much regret. I promise never to commit the same mistake again.

I’m sorry for being selfish/______. Our ___________ is really more important than this, and I hope we can stop fighting/ignoring each other/__________. I also hope that in time, you would find it in your heart to forgive me so that we can get past this. I’ve learned my lesson and I just really want to start over. What do you say?

 

Love,

______________