Mistakes

April 26, 2012

Dear friend,

I bought a bunch of stuff for you and our other group mates when Gia and Timmy went pasalubong shopping this afternoon. I bought you the Rosquillos you wanted ever since the Holy Week vacation. It’s in a plastic bag on my bed, waiting to be arranged. It just struck me now that I had an important question to ask myself, a question I should have asked myself before paying the goods at the counter.

What was I thinking? 

Rather, what did I want you to think? Giving these pasalubong to you and the others isn’t exactly a peace offering, and I have no intention of it being so. I consider me buying you the Rosquillos equivalent to me paying back a debt or a request that was not attended to at the time it was supposed to have been answered. Even though I do not technically owe you any pack of Rosquillos, I bought you a pack just because I remembered you liked those sunflower shaped cookies with a hole in the middle. I don’t owe the others any form of food either, but I just hope they’d like it.

It’s not a peace offering. I really don’t know why I bought these gifts for you. Granted, it’s not much, but I still spent for these with my own money and I even put effort into thinking about you at the time despite the fact that right now, we are… at odds…? Could you call it that? It’s not a peace offering because I don’t really know if we’re even at war. I have a feeling that I rank pretty high/hold the top spot on the list of people you dislike, but that does not make me certain that you have refused to be civil with me on any level and that you have chosen to forget everything about the past term in which we worked together.

Should I still give these to you? What are you going to think once you’ve received them? Are you even going to receive them?

The last two questions are probably out of my league. After all, I can’t control what’s inside your head. That’s for you to decide.

Does it even pay to be nice to you? I honestly don’t want to keep tabs, but I can’t shake the feeling that you do want to keep tabs and that you are keeping tabs. If you weren’t, then you’d probably be more objective in dealing with things. Maybe you would have told me you were upset with me when Aldrin got all of you something from Thailand except for me (if that was indeed intentional) or perhaps when you just received my “fiercely condescending” text message or perhaps when you gave the org position you promised me last month to someone else without my knowledge (that really hurt by the way. I don’t really show it, but I definitely wanted that job. I had plans for it already, but if you trust another person more than me, that’s alright. I’ll let it go. I just wished you wouldn’t have made me get my hopes up).

By the way, I just want to say that I am writing this without any anger or sarcasm. I’m appealing to you. Maybe things could have turned out differently.

I’m trying to sift through all our memories this past term. I’m trying to think of moments or even a single time when you went out of your way to do something nice for me as a friend should. I bought you guys snacks during your EB meeting because I knew it wasn’t nice having a meeting after an OR test on an empty stomach. Eric always shared his sandwiches. Ian stayed up with me and so did Mar. I suppose the nicest thing you did was stick it out with me until the term ended, and out of  anything you could have done, that task probably had to be the hardest considering how you disliked me. So, thanks, I suppose, for not ditching me halfway through the term. Thanks for being patient with my meticulous and absurd mannerisms. Thanks for staying even though at times you probably wanted to strangle me.

I do hope that somewhere along the way, you thought we were genuine friends. That’s what I thought the whole time. I hope that I was the cause of at least one of the things that made you happy or laugh, because I sincerely wanted you to find whatever it was funny and just… laugh.

You have made it clear to me that I’m not exactly the easiest person to get along with. With friends, I could be a bit dodgy and with work, I’m just overtly and overly judgmental, critical and ill-tempered. Taking my reference from Shakespeare, perhaps my tongue is the shrew that needs to be tamed. I am conscious of it and try my very best to hold it back. I just want our work to be the best it can possibly be, and if I come across as harsh, then I am sorry. I am truly sorry. I do not mean to degrade you in any way. I’m just… strictly particular is how I’d like to put it, and if you can’t work with me, then I understand.

Maybe when school resumes next month, things would be different between us. I can’t say better. That all depends on how you’re going to treat me: are you going to ignore me or not? Just know that I won’t be the one to make the first move. I leave the decision up to you. You’re the one who’s upset so you call the shots here. I tried making the first move by talking to you, and you’ve been avoiding me.

If you choose to ignore me, then I understand. This will be like first year all over again. I just hope that this time, I’d know how to deal with it better. I guess I won’t be expecting any friendly favors from you next term, and I suppose I’ve lost my liberty to hand you those as well. Feel free to tell me anytime if these assumptions I’ve made were wrong.

Maybe we should take this as a lesson. The fact that we met is already a lesson. We’re on the brink of collapse all over again. Maybe some people just weren’t meant to be friends. Our personalities obviously clash, one way or another. Maybe it’s better if we stayed apart. I’d be alright with being civil, just as long as the badmouthing stops. I don’t want to do that to you, and I don’t want us to race each other, hoping to be the first one to tell our friends about our dilemma, hoping they’d be on one of our sides before the day is over. I don’t want all that unnecessary tension because it’s immature. We don’t need that.

For what it’s worth, being with you definitely had good times. I stand by what I put in my profile photo before – no one can make me laugh like you do. But I guess I’ve learned that what I feel isn’t necessarily the same as what you feel, and maybe the mutual fondness I imagined our friendship to have was in fact, one-sided all this time. Thanks for making it clear that I really am a difficult person to get along with (and how much more love). Again, for what it’s worth, thanks for the time.

So… I guess that was quite a lot of questions and sentiments. All that came from me contemplating on whether or not I should give you a pack of cookies. I don’t know. Ordinary things just get me thinking, that’s all.

I know you’re never going to read this so typing this all out is most likely useless. It’s just gross saying this out loud to anyone. I find it embarrassing that after everything, I let all of this get to me. I let you get to me, even though I tried my best to remain above it all. Whether you like it or not, I consider you a part of my life, and let it be known that that part isn’t just a piece, it’s a chunk.

I’m going to go now. Take from that what you will.

Always,

Ellie.

 

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