Too bad

March 10, 2013

After not seeing you for two weeks (not counting when I caught a glimpse of you last… Monday?), and not talking to you properly since last Saturday (not counting our very short text exchange last Monday, too),  I decided to call you tonight. After five whole days of completely shutting ourselves off from one another (despite the promise I made last week), it all boiled down to this.

Called you once at 9.20.  You didn’t pick up. Thought you left your phone charging again and didn’t hear it. Decided to call back an hour later.

Called you back at 10:37. You did pick up.

We asked each other how the other was, and we pretty much had the same answer. Both of us were so busy — thesis, requirements, papers, classes, quizzes, etc. I understand. I was there. I’m guilty, too. I told you I still felt like I was drowning under all the work and pressure.

You said you wanted to tell me a whole lot more than you let on, but you couldn’t because you were doing your thesis. Apparently, you were sleeping over at your thesis mate’s to do some work. Oh, alright then. Uhm… Okay. There was a few seconds of awkward silence where I didn’t know what to do with myself. Maybe I should just leave then. Hang up? But we were barely talking for five minutes. It didn’t feel right. Anything that wasn’t our minimum three hour phone call quota didn’t feel right.

Then you offered that we could talk tomorrow, Sunday, but it was my turn to say no. It was my turn to sleep over and do my thesis. The timing of the world is just plain terrible.

I said it’s been quite a while since we’ve talked, and you agreed. You said like it seemed so long ago. A week is officially more than an eternity for us. Five days? Longer than it should have been. Longer than it actually is.

We were exchanging lines like “sayang”, “we have to talk”,  “gusto kong magkwento”, and somewhere in between I inserted, “I miss you na eh!” You replied with an adamant, “I know! Ako rin!”

We ended up not really saying much, except for the fact that we were both swamped up to the brim with school work. You thought that I was still in my academic-induced coma. You’re glad I’m still alive after all those days of silence.

I was kind of frustrated that tonight was the only night I sort of had off, and we still weren’t able to talk. Of all the things, something this simple couldn’t go like it was supposed to? Too bad. Honestly, too bad.

I decided that I shouldn’t keep you any longer, and so I decided to hang up. Before we did, it was,

“Alright, have fun with thesis.”
“I better! I hope so.”
“I miss you already!”
You laughed for a bit. “Same here.”
“See you soon! Bye!”
“Bye.”

It’s so unfair though. Should I have still heard your voice for five minutes, when we wouldn’t be able to talk anyway? Give someone a good thing, then take it back oh so quickly. What word was that again? Oh, yeah, PAASA. Not you, okay, I meant the universe.

I remember during the break when one day of not talking to each other merited an eight hour encounter the following day. How much more these past several days, which most likely would turn into weeks? At the end of it all, would it be another super long bonding session, or will it be too late for any exchanges by then? Will too much have already happened that we just couldn’t bring ourselves to sit down and lay everything on the table? I hope not.

As much as I want to say that I shouldn’t let us drift apart or spend more than two days maximum without talking to each other, I can’t. I can’t promise that, because I know that I might not be able to do it in the long run. I’ll try to be as consistent as I can, but I will falter once a in a while, and I can’t have you being disappointed at that. I will get buried in work whether we like it or not, and I might not be able to talk or think about you even. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll experience the same thing. I just hope that we can still be us when we do get breathers in between work.

I texted you that I was going on air the next day, so you could listen if you wanted to. I said I’ll make sure to give you a shout out. You replied that you still couldn’t believe how long it’s been since we last talked (perhaps since we last heard each other’s voices), and that you’ll try your best to tune in if you aren’t dead yet due to school work.

What got me hooked though, was the fact that you called me by my petname again. I haven’t called you by yours in a really long time. I thought we dropped those names a month ago. I thought we subconsciously agreed that they were too much. But you used it again, and that just sent me reeling in. It felt like I was still yours, and you were still mine, and we never left that one night when we walked around hand in hand for the first time.

I hate it when you call me that. It’s like all the space I’ve put between us suddenly vanished. I worked hard to get that space you know. Then again, I like it when you call me that, too, only because once the space vanishes, and I feel like I’m close to you again, I suddenly remember how much I miss being that way.

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