Dear Friend,

Recently we’ve come clean about how we felt about each other. For me it seemed like a long overdue talk, and for you it seemed too soon, but I’m glad that somehow we finally stepped on the same plane. You see things as I do, and I see things as you do. However, why am I not happy about this arrangement? Why am I not entirely happy about what transpired between us? Until now, when you already know that I like you and I know that you like me, why can’t I still tell you how I really feel?

Yes, we know we like each other, but I don’t think you know just how much I like you. For some inexplicable reason, I feel like I’m on the deep end and you’re not. To be fair, my side of things has been going on for a longer time than yours. What you know is only the tip of the iceberg. You still can’t see how deep this whole thing goes.

I want you. I want us. I want there to be an us. So badly. But more than that, I want you to want us as much as I do. If not, it’ll just feel like I’m dragging you into this crazy ride because I think it’ll be fun while you’re entirely unsure about it. That won’t make me happy either.

I don’t know how deep your feelings run for me. Considering that they’re new, maybe it’s safe to assume that you don’t want this as much as I do. You don’t take the risks and laugh in its face like me. You’re not as bold to jump into this as I am, because I simply want this so much more than you do, and even though we both like each other, that statement in itself feels like a whole different rejection on its own.

I’m sorry for asking you if you weren’t ready. I’m sorry for pushing it when I shouldn’t have. I just had to hear your side. I needed to know, and I got my answer, but I still don’t feel satisfied. It’s an unsettling feeling and disappointing overall.

I don’t know. I feel stupid about how I dealt with this. Maybe it was too logical of an approach that it just seemed forced.  It’s complicated and I’m scared. I’m just trying so hard to make sense.

I wish I hadn’t said anything. I wish we could just go back to being us and being normal. I want to hold your hand if I feel like doing that. I want you to embrace me and know that it’s okay. I want to do all those things, but I don’t know if my heart can take it. This feels like breaking up and we were never even together.


What “I Love You” Means

December 2, 2013

Maybe I’ll say this on an anniversary or the engagement party speech.

Thought Catalog

When we’d fight and it was my fault, I’d try and soothe the wounds by saying, “I love you.” It’s a cheap trick, isn’t it? To use “I love you” to put a Band-aid on your anger? But often, I was so desperate to fix what was wrong it was the only thing I could think of to say. More eloquent words would not come out of my mouth. I needed not to lose you. I felt like all I had was that I loved you. But you’d call me out. I said, “I love you, come on.” You shot back at me, “I love you. I love you. What does that even mean to you? What does that mean?”

I felt terrible. I mean it when I am saying it. In the simplest way, “I love you.” I feel love for you. I am filled to the brim…

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