Looks like Progress but it isn’t

December 26, 2013

Dear Friend,

Recently we’ve come clean about how we felt about each other. For me it seemed like a long overdue talk, and for you it seemed too soon, but I’m glad that somehow we finally stepped on the same plane. You see things as I do, and I see things as you do. However, why am I not happy about this arrangement? Why am I not entirely happy about what transpired between us? Until now, when you already know that I like you and I know that you like me, why can’t I still tell you how I really feel?

Yes, we know we like each other, but I don’t think you know just how much I like you. For some inexplicable reason, I feel like I’m on the deep end and you’re not. To be fair, my side of things has been going on for a longer time than yours. What you know is only the tip of the iceberg. You still can’t see how deep this whole thing goes.

I want you. I want us. I want there to be an us. So badly. But more than that, I want you to want us as much as I do. If not, it’ll just feel like I’m dragging you into this crazy ride because I think it’ll be fun while you’re entirely unsure about it. That won’t make me happy either.

I don’t know how deep your feelings run for me. Considering that they’re new, maybe it’s safe to assume that you don’t want this as much as I do. You don’t take the risks and laugh in its face like me. You’re not as bold to jump into this as I am, because I simply want this so much more than you do, and even though we both like each other, that statement in itself feels like a whole different rejection on its own.

I’m sorry for asking you if you weren’t ready. I’m sorry for pushing it when I shouldn’t have. I just had to hear your side. I needed to know, and I got my answer, but I still don’t feel satisfied. It’s an unsettling feeling and disappointing overall.

I don’t know. I feel stupid about how I dealt with this. Maybe it was too logical of an approach that it just seemed forced.  It’s complicated and I’m scared. I’m just trying so hard to make sense.

I wish I hadn’t said anything. I wish we could just go back to being us and being normal. I want to hold your hand if I feel like doing that. I want you to embrace me and know that it’s okay. I want to do all those things, but I don’t know if my heart can take it. This feels like breaking up and we were never even together.


One Response to “Looks like Progress but it isn’t”

  1. ninabanana Says:

    Hi Kali!! I hope to hang out with you soon. Merry Christmas! 😄 miss youuu!

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