Looks like Progress but it isn’t

Dear Friend,

Recently we’ve come clean about how we felt about each other. For me it seemed like a long overdue talk, and for you it seemed too soon, but I’m glad that somehow we finally stepped on the same plane. You see things as I do, and I see things as you do. However, why am I not happy about this arrangement? Why am I not entirely happy about what transpired between us? Until now, when you already know that I like you and I know that you like me, why can’t I still tell you how I really feel?

Yes, we know we like each other, but I don’t think you know just how much I like you. For some inexplicable reason, I feel like I’m on the deep end and you’re not. To be fair, my side of things has been going on for a longer time than yours. What you know is only the tip of the iceberg. You still can’t see how deep this whole thing goes.

I want you. I want us. I want there to be an us. So badly. But more than that, I want you to want us as much as I do. If not, it’ll just feel like I’m dragging you into this crazy ride because I think it’ll be fun while you’re entirely unsure about it. That won’t make me happy either.

I don’t know how deep your feelings run for me. Considering that they’re new, maybe it’s safe to assume that you don’t want this as much as I do. You don’t take the risks and laugh in its face like me. You’re not as bold to jump into this as I am, because I simply want this so much more than you do, and even though we both like each other, that statement in itself feels like a whole different rejection on its own.

I’m sorry for asking you if you weren’t ready. I’m sorry for pushing it when I shouldn’t have. I just had to hear your side. I needed to know, and I got my answer, but I still don’t feel satisfied. It’s an unsettling feeling and disappointing overall.

I don’t know. I feel stupid about how I dealt with this. Maybe it was too logical of an approach that it just seemed forced.  It’s complicated and I’m scared. I’m just trying so hard to make sense.

I wish I hadn’t said anything. I wish we could just go back to being us and being normal. I want to hold your hand if I feel like doing that. I want you to embrace me and know that it’s okay. I want to do all those things, but I don’t know if my heart can take it. This feels like breaking up and we were never even together.

What “I Love You” Means

Maybe I’ll say this on an anniversary or the engagement party speech.

10 Things That Make You Intimidating

Basically me. Sad or not? True though.

The Compromise

Mon cherie,

I will always be me – unpredictable, boring, ugly, awesome, exciting, cool, witty, sarcastic, fun, funny/corny, and everything else that make up this five foot one dollop of girly evi- sweetness.

Sometimes, I will do things just because I can. Sometimes, I will have impulses. Sometimes, I will go through with them, most times, I don’t.

Just because I say something does not mean that I will go through with  it. Yes, it crossed my mind. Yes, maybe I would want to do it in the future, but it does not mean that I will.

I know that I maybe crazy, but you should always remember the dynamics of true friendship:

I will not promise that I won’t disappoint you, because somewhere along the line I know I might, but I trust that you’ll accept me for my mistakes, past, present, and future. I trust you enough not to walk away in the long run, and forgive me in some way, some how, maybe not right away, but eventually.

I trust you to do that, because I trust myself to do the same for you.

And although you know I have the tendency to do some undesirable things, trust in the fact that as much as I want to do those things for one reason or another, I will still prioritize our friendship over that. I will try my best not to disappoint you in any manner possible, because I care about you, and when you care about another person, their happiness becomes your own as well.

I hope that’s okay with you.

 

I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.

I have so much schoolwork to do, and I can only pray that I finish on time. Considering the pace I’m going, that seems like a far-fetched dream. THESIS, CAN I PLEASE NOT FAIL BECAUSE OF YOU.

In other news…

Let me just make it short.

See, this is what I hate. I hate not knowing if I even have the right to be mad at you for what you did, because I don’t know exactly where I stand and so I don’t know what I should do. Should I even be asking myself if I have a right to be mad? At this point, it feels like that question is useless because I already am mad. I’m already there. There’s the line, and I’ve already crossed it, or you crossed it, or whatever.

10 Foreign Films For People Who Don’t Watch Foreign Films

Must watch

I Hope You Think Of Me When You Hear A Sex Joke

“I didn’t realize it until now but, I forgot that when you like someone you’re not supposed to give them all your feelings. You’re supposed to leave some for yourself too. I forgot about that because I fell. I fell so fast for you. “

Acceptance Is Tomorrow, In A Small, Quiet Room

Basically every time we fight.